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GRE寫作范文五十三

Hospital?statistics?regarding?people?who?go?to?the?emergency?room?after?roller-skating?accidents?indicate?the?need?for?more?protective?equipment.??Within?this?group?of?people,?75?percent?of?those?who?had?accidents?in?streets?or?parking?lots?were?not?wearing?any?protective?clothing?(helmets,?knee?pads,?etc.)?or?any?light-reflecting?material?(clip-on?lights,?glow-in-the-dark?wrist?pads,?etc.).??Clearly,?these?statistics?indicate?that?by?investing?in?high-quality?protective?gear?and?reflective?equipment,?roller?skaters?will?greatly?reduce?their?risk?of?being?severely?injured?in?an?accident.??

Although?the?argument?stated?above?discusses?the?importance?of?safety?equipment?as?significant?part?of?avoiding?injury,?the?statistics?quoted?are?vague?and?inconclusive.??Simply?because?75?percent?of?the?people?involved?in?roller-skating?accidents?are?not?wearing?the?stated?equipment?does?not?automatically?implicate?the?lack?of?equipment?as?the?cause?of?injury.??The?term?"accidents"?may?imply?a?great?variety?of?injuries.??The?types?of?injuries?one?could?incur?by?not?wearing?the?types?of?equipment?stated?above?are?minor?head?injuries;?skin?abrasions?or?possibly?bone?fracture?of?a?select?few?areas?such?as?knees,?elbows,?hands,?etc.?(which?are?in?fact?most?vulnerable?to?this?sport);?and/or?injuries?due?to?practising?the?sport?during?low?light?times?of?the?day.??During?any?physically?demanding?activity?or?sport?people?are?subjected?to?a?wide?variety?of?injuries?which?cannot?be?avoided?with?protective?clothing?or light-reflective?materials.??These?injuries?include?inner?trauma?(e.g.,?heart-attack);?exhaustion;?strained?muscles,?ligaments,?or?tendons;?etc.??Perhaps?the?numbers?and?percentages?of?people?injured?during?roller-skating,?even?without?protective?equipment,?would?decrease?greatly?if?people?participating?in?the?sport?had?proper?training,?good?physical?health,?warm-up?properly?before?beginning?(stretching),?as?well?as?take?other?measures?to?prevent?possible?injury,?such?as?common-sense,?by?refraining?from?performing?the?activity?after?proper?lighting?has?ceased?and?knowing?your?personal?limitations?as?an?individual?and?athlete.??The?statistics?used?in?the?above?reasoning?are?lacking?in?proper?direction?considering?their?assertions?and?therefore?must?be?further?examined?and?modified?so?that?proper?conclusions?can?be?reached.

Commentary??

This?adequate?response?targets?the?argument\'s?vague?and?inconclusive?"statistics."??The?essay?identifies?and?critiques?the?illogical?reasoning?that?results?from?the?misguided?use?of?the?argument\'s?statistics:??

--?that?non-use?of?equipment?may?be?"automatically"?assumed?to?be?the????cause?of?injury?

--?that?"accidents"?may?refer?to?minor?injuries?

--?that?injuries?may?result?from?other?causes?--?skating?in?the?dark,????failure?to?train?or?warm-up?properly,?failure?to?recognize?one\'s????physical?limitations??

The?writer?competently?grasps?the?weaknesses?of?the?argument.??The?ideas?are?clear?and?connected,?but?the?response?lacks?transitional?phrases.??Development,?too,?is?only?adequate.??

Control?of?language?is?better?than?adequate.??The?writer?achieves?both?control?and?clarity?and?ably?conforms?to?the?conventions?of?written?English.??Overall,?though,?this?4?response?lacks?the?more?thorough?development?that?would?warrant?a?score?of?5.

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