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GRE寫作范文五十五

Hospital?statistics?regarding?people?who?go?to?the?emergency?room?after?roller-skating?accidents?indicate?the?need?for?more?protective?equipment.??Within?this?group?of?people,?75?percent?of?those?who?had?accidents?in?streets?or?parking?lots?were?not?wearing?any?protective?clothing?(helmets,?knee?pads,?etc.)?or?any?light-reflecting?material?(clip-on?lights,?glow-in-the-dark?wrist?pads,?etc.).??Clearly,?these?statistics?indicate?that?by?investing?in?high-quality?protective?gear?and?reflective?equipment,?roller?skaters?will?greatly?reduce?their?risk?of?being?severely?injured?in?an?accident.??

To?reduce?the?accidents?from?roller?skating?we?should?consider?about?it?causes?and?effects?concurrently?to?find?the?best?solution.??Basically?the?roller-skating?players?are?children,?they?had?less?experiences?to?protect?themselves?from?any?kind?of?dangerous.??Therefore,?it?should?be?a?responsible?of?adult?to?take?care?them.??Adult?should?recommend?their?child?to?wear?any?protective?clothing,?set?the?rules?and?look?after?them?while?they?are?playing.??

In?the?past?roller-skating?is?limited?in?the?skate?yard?but?when?it?became?popular?people?normally?play?it?on?the?street?way)?Therefore?the?number?of?accidents?from?roller-skating?is?increased.??The?skate?manufacturer?should?have?a?responsibility?in?producing?a?protective?clothing.??They?should?promote?and?sell?them?together?with?skates.??The?government?or?state?should?set?the?regulation?of?playing?skate?on?the?street?way?like?they?did?with?the?bicycle.??

To?prevent?this?kind?of?accident?is?the?best?solution?but?it?needs?a?coorperation?among?us?to?have?a?concious?mind?to?beware?and?realize?its?dangerous.??

Commentary??

This?seriously?flawed?response,?rather?than?critiquing?the?argument,?suggests?ways?for?adults?and?skate?manufacturers?to?ensure?that?children?wear?protective?clothing.??In?essence,?the?writer?is?uncritically?accepting?the?argument.??

The?response?exhibits?serious?and?frequent?problems?in?sentence?structure?and?language?use.??Errors?--?word?choice,?verb?tenses,?subject-verb?agreement,?punctuation?--?are?numerous?and?sometimes?interfere?with?meaning,?e.g.,?".?needs?a?cooperation?among?us?to?have?a?concious?mind?to?beware?and?realize its?dangerous."??

This?essay?earns?a?2?because?it?demonstrates?both?serious?linguistic?weaknesses?and?failure?to?construct?a?critique?based?on?logical?analysis.

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