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GRE寫作范文二十八

"Our?declining?environment?may?bring?the?people?of?the?world?together?as?no?politician,?philosopher,?or?war?ever?could.??Environmental?problems?are?global?in?scope?and?respect?no?nation\\'s?boundaries.??Therefore,?people?are?faced?with?the?choice?of?unity?and?cooperation?on?the?one?hand?or?disunity?and?a?common?tragedy?on?the?other."??

Environmental?problems?will?require?a?joint?efferct?amoung?people?to?solve,?however,?environmental?problems?may?not?cause?people?to?come?together.??Should?the?problems?continue?for?an?extended?period?of?time?before?any?effert?is?made?to?solve?them,?they?will?reach?a?point?of?no?return?no?matter?how?people?come?together?to?work?on?it.??When?this?happens?there?will?be?increased?shortage?in?our?natural?resouses.??As?supply?of?our?resouces?goes?down?and?demand?remains?the?same?or?goes?up?there?will?be?increased?presure?to?claim?what?resouces?remain.??So?instead?of?people?working?together?to?solve?the?problem,?they?will?be?fighting?for?what\\'s?left?by?the?problem.??

To?solve?this,?people?need?to?come?together?before?the?problem?reaches?a?state?of?no?return.??This?may be?hard?to?do?since?the?effects?of?environmental?problems?are?not?yet?felt?by?a?large?degree?(if?felt?at?all)?by?everyone.??At?this?point?in?time?many?feel?it?is?not?there?problem?to?worry?about?since?it?does?not?immediatly?effect?them.??To?remidy?this?people?should?become?more?aware?of?their?current?environment.?Comments:?

This?response?is?seriously?flawed.??Its?strongest?feature?is?a?fairly?clear?position:??it?agrees?with?the?claim?that?environmental?problems?will?require?cooperation?and?presents?a?scenario?for?what?will?happen?if?there?is?no?cooperation?--?conflict?over?diminishing?resources.??However,?the?writer?offers?little?support?for?that?position.??Threatened?"resources"?and?the?"effects?of?environmental?problems"?are?mentioned?but?not?specified,?and?the?paper?provides?no?examples?of?how?people?might?"come?together"?to?address?the?problem?or?how?they?might?"become?more?aware?of?their?current?environment."??

Some?of?the?sentences?are?worded?clearly?("So?instead?of?people?working?together?"),?but?others?are?so?flawed?by?imprecise?word?choice?that?the?meaning?is?difficult?to?understand:??"t?yet?felt?by?a?large?degree?(if?felt?at?all)?by?everyone."??

Also,?run-on?sentences?(the?first?sentence,?for?example)?and?unclear?pronoun?references?add?to?the?confusion,?reinforcing?the?score?of?2.?

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